Video thumbnail, Best Christmas cracker jokes of the year
They’re not usually a laugh and more of a groan – but corny jokes are very much part of the traditional family Christmas.
A list of the finest cracker jokes has been compiled by UKTV ’s Gold, freshly updated for 2016.
They range from jibes about Brexit and politicians to gags on The Great British Bake Off and football managers.
Coming top of the traditional festive groan-a-thon is this corker: How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
Also among the one-liners guaranteed to make you wince is a dig at US president-elect Donald Trump ’s barmy hairstyle and a laugh at the expense of former England boss, Roy Hodgson.
The topical list follows the comedy channel’s competition to find the best wisecracks to entertain the family over Christmas dinner.
And no one is spared the barbed comments, with Sports Direct, BHS and former Prime Minister David Cameron all in the firing line.
According to the station’s research, three quarters of us feel that cracker jokes are outdated and need a revamp. And seven in ten people are more likely to groan than giggle when they read out the gags at the festive dinner table.
A panel of Gold judges, including comedy critic Bruce Dessau, whittled thousands of cracker joke contenders on Twitter down a shortlist, before holding a public vote to find the 20 best rib-ticklers.
Bruce, who is editor of comedy website beyondthejoke.co.uk , said: “One thing the British will always be good at is finding the funny side to almost any situation.
“And it’s no surprise that Brexit featured as one of the dominant topics of this year’s jokes. But it wasn’t all about the EU.
“There were lots of cracking gags, with this year’s news about Sports Direct, BHS and Bake Off also featuring in winning one-liners.
“All of which will hopefully get the Great British public laughing their socks off.”
Top 30 Christmas cracker jokes
1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About five minutes.
3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.
4. I bought my mum Mary Berry’s cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood’s but he’d sold out.
5. What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.
6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F-B-I .
Hillary Clinton speaks at the Children’s Defense Fund Beat the Odds Celebration at the Newseum in Washington
7. Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at the North Pole? He couldn’t get past Iceland .
8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn ’s Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed .
9. Prince Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve. “That’s some reindeer,” he says. The Queen replies: “63 years. Yes, that is a lot.”
10. What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they’re both a little orange .
11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
12. What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch .
13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold .
14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not.
15. Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.
16. I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
17. Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel.
18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie.
19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.
20. Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.
21. Why doesn’t Sam Allardyce help load Santa’s sleigh? Because it takes him 67 days to get the sack.
22. Why did the snowman pull out of Strictly? Because he got cold feet.
23. How do you pay respect to David Bowie this Xmas? By serving some Ziggy pudding.
24. What’s Tom Hiddleston starring in over Christmas? The Night Manger
25. What does Nigel Farage do to the hall with boughs of holly? He Dexit.
26. What did Tim Peake get in his stocking this year? Galaxy and Milky Way.
27. Why did Ed Balls fail an audition to play one of Santa’s reindeer in a Christmas pantomime? Because he’s no Dancer.
28. What’s Donald Trump’s favourite type of ice cream? Wall’s.
29. Why’s Santa going round the world this Christmas Eve? He’s playing Pokemon Ho Ho Ho.
30. How do snowmen leave the EU? They trigger Icicle 50.
And a few cracking old favourites
- What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve? Auld Fang Syne.
- Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? He had a low elf-esteem.
- What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days.
- What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson.
- Why was the turkey in the rock group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks.
- What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? A barberqueue.
- What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps.
- Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose.
- A man walks into a bar… ouch.
- What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve.”
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